Andy Biersack gave me hope!

This picture quote is about self-harm. I like it because it is is true and I will remember it when I feel that I want to hurt myself.

I am not alone in this life. I have to remember it!

So true. Sometimes I  to far away in my mind. I have to remember to think about this one.

Dreams are important. They are our anchors. It keeps us alive!

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Self-harm

After my appointment yesterday with a psychologist, I realized that I have been self-harming before the sexual assault as well. I tought it was just recent, but it was not. I am having flashback from my past. My childhood when I was pulling my hair intentionnaly and when my mom found out all the hair in the tent-trailer, she brought me to the doctor and I had a cream. I never said anything. I never said that I actually did it on purpose. I started to drink and smoke pot very young as well. I was damaging myself because I wanted that pain, that emotional pain to go away. How many times that I hit my head on purpose on my bedroom walls. How many times that I bite my nails until I bleed. When I attempt suicide the first time, I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted my pain to go away. Now today I have become further. I love tattoos, I love the vibration and the burning in my body when I got one. I enjoyed that pain, the physical pain because during that time I don’t live with the emotional pain. It hurts so bad inside. Sometimes I wonder if someone will understand my feelings or even me. I feel misunderstood all the time and I am so stupid because I can’t explain exactly how I feel. I should be able too but I can’t. When I talk or think about myself or my past I want to cut. When my anxiety is to high I want to hurt myself. I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t like what I see and what I feel about what I am doing. I am surrounded by hate, shame and guilt towards myself. It is always me. It is always my fault.  

Emotions

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Yesterday, I had my choice appointment with a psychologist. I finally got a referral to join the DBT program. I might have to do more test. Psychology or personality test, we do not know yet. It was a meeting overwhelming in emotions. I do not like to talk about my past. I do no like to talk about myself. I feel ashamed and guilty and I hate it. I do not like what I see about myself. I am not proud of who I became. I do not see a good person. I see a weak, manipulated and naive person who is also broken. I do not know if I will find the peace in my inner self. I do not know if I will be able to do the program. After all the stuff that I’ve been through, I do not know if I have the strength to continue my life. My past and myself are most of my triggers. I didn’t realize it on the moment, but after talking with my social worker later during the day I saw it. I get overwhelm very easy after talking about myself and my past and specially the sexual assault. It hurts so bad inside. The pain is intense. I finally ended up scratching my arms last night. When I took the decision to walk over to my in law’s house, I was wishing so bad for a car to hit me on the side of the road. I was shaking and crying so loud that I called my friend and asked her to come and pick me up before I do something I can regret. She came, we talked and I went to her place. It helped me, I also smoke a cigarette. I haven’t smoke for 7 years, but the tension and my anxiety were so high that I wanted to hurt myself so bad. Instead I had a cigarette, it helped to reduce the amount of anxiety inside my body. But I do not want to start smoking again. What should I do then? I am lost and I need some new coping skills. I have a meeting planned on Monday to see my social worker. I hope that she can help me. I will have to meet with her until I get in the therapy. I am happy because I can’t stay alone without support. I am scared of myself and my emotions. I wish that one day I will be able to live a normal life. I really want it. Until then, I need support around me and help to be able to survive without damaging myself.