A ccouple days ago, I found old suicide letters that I wrote before the suicide attempts. I was feeling anxious about thinking of having them in my bedside drawer. This afternoon, I took them and burnt them in fire pit. I read them then I watched te burn. I was feeling relieved. I was thinking about my family and my friends who are here to support me no matter what and forever. I feel better now. I know that I want to live my life. I want to enjoy every little moments with my family and have as much as possible fun with my friends. I want to be happy. My job help too though. It gives me hope. I am not hopeless anymore I found my way. A good way to get back on track. I am ready to start the DBT in fall.
I am sharing my hapiness with you today. I am accepted and confirmed on the DBT program starting in the end of August and beginning of September. I am so happy. I was looking forward to it. I guess hard work paid off. I stayed strong as long as I could. I am proud of myself. I am also still enjoying my job. I am feeling so much better and I want to keep it like that.
Yesterday I went in the city. It was amazing as always. I went to the Hindu temple to get rid of my negative energy and open some space to get positive energy. It worked well. I also had so much love from the Indian women. They are friendly and I feel happy when I am surrounded by them. They are my family.
After the temple I went to the waterfront for a nice walk. Still clearing my mind. I also stopped at my favorite boutique, The blackmarket. I bought two pairs of earrings and four bracelets for only 9,00$. I am feeling good and ready to start my week.
I found a job. I love it so much. I am working at a cranberry and blueberry farm. I get some fresh air and it is good for my mental health. I am doing some easy work as pruning, weeding and planting so far. It is enjoyable. I had the opportunity to met some people around the globe as Ukrainian and Mexican. They are lovely people to work with.
I remembered how nice it is to have soft conversation. I mean talking about easy stuff. Music, hobbies, books and what it is going out in the other side of the map.
This picture quote is about self-harm. I like it because it is is true and I will remember it when I feel that I want to hurt myself.
I am not alone in this life. I have to remember it!
So true. Sometimes I to far away in my mind. I have to remember to think about this one.
Dreams are important. They are our anchors. It keeps us alive!
Dear M. Criminal Lawyer. I am writing to you because I need to know. I have so many questions in my head. I do not understand why a lawyer will defend his client for the same charges. The client was charged 2-3 different times for sexual assault. Why do you still defend him? Is it for money? Don’t you think it might be true? If I was a lawyer and someone will have been charged and/or acquitted for sexual assault a couple times, I will seriously think about it. If this client is still walking free on the street, don’t you think he might do it again? Probably, because this client knows that he won’t lose the case if you represent him. So, my point is, if you have any daughters, would you like to know that someone like this client can be a predator for them? I have a daughter and I hope that she will never see or meet someone like that. Women don’t need that kind of men walking free. I also understand that you have a job to do but can you sleep good at night? Because if I was a lawyer and know that I defend a rapist, I will be scared for my daughter or for the other women. I will definitely not be able to sleep at night.
Today is my last day in the city. I had time to reflect on myself and I went to a good conclusion.
I really want to be home but I have to do less if I want to survive at home. Oldest kids a school and the youngest at daycare I will have time and less stress to work at home on the chores that I have.
I will keep the youngest one at the daycare full time next week and I will go down to 4 times a week. I will have time to take care of my own self.
I am thinking to get a job on the side to be able to gain a little bit of money because the childcare is very expensive. We can afford it for now but won’t be able to afford it forever. We are having financial issues but I have to take care of myself too. I will work hard and make it works. I am confident.
I am seeing a friend after lunch today. I also have a hair appointment for a trim and I am going to my man’s aunt for supper tonight. I will have a good day.
Tomorrow, I am going back home. I will stop at another friend’s house on my way and I will go see my best friend in the valley in the afternoon for another coffee then I have an appreciation dinner at the Annapolis mess in Greenwood. The Greenwood Family Resource Center is providing an appreciation dinner for those who volunteered at the GMFRC in 2016. I had an amazing time volunteered for them. It was therapeutic. Thank you so much for making me feels good about the work I did. It means a lot to me.
I am away from home. Taking a break from the stressors that I have at home, but I am missing home. I am missing my babies and my husband. I am doing good and getting some strength to be able to continue and fight my darkness and my demons. I want to live but when I am at home I don’t feel like that at all. When I am away I don’t feel down but I do miss my family. I am so confused and I don’t really know what to do or what to think.
Just thinking about life in the valley, chores at home and taking care of the kids and my anxiety is rising up. What am I suppose to do? I wish that my psychiatrist will understand me and help me to see clear about all that stuff.
I want to go back to work and gain money to help my family but I don’t want to work at a place that I don’t like. I don’t want a student job. I want a career and for that I have to go back to school. But I need money. How am I suppose to handle all that?
At least I didn’t go back in Quebec. I know that place is not good for me right now. But I was so depressed and sad that I needed my man to realize it. I was not able to think or see that was not good for my mental health. I am an adult and it feels like I am still a child who needs their parents to live. How is that possible?
What am I suppose to do?
There I am, alive. I am on recovery mentally and physically from another suicide attempt that happened on Easter Monday.
I was feeling so down and low and I had so much difficulties dealing with my mental health that I wanted to leave my life again. The only exit that I found was to die. I am struggling too much and it’s now harder and harder to handle. A little negative things, a tiny argue and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still afraid of my demons and my darkness. I hope one day I will be able to fight them. I guess I will make it happens when I get in the DBT program.
They keep sending me home. Most of my stressors are at home. No wonder why I wanted to quit my life if I stay home. I can’t concentrate on myself if it is too busy around me. Specially if I am mentally down. I talked with my man and I am spending couple days in in the city until I get to see my psychiatrist on friday. I hope she can help me figure out something that I can hang on to until I start the DBT.
For now I am relaxing and taking care of myself. Yesterday I went to the Hindu temple. I found hope and faith. I couldn’t believe it that I still want to live after all those struggles. I was able to let go some of my negative energy through the music. The power of that amazing energy found my soul and helped me believe that I just have to work a bit harder and I can make it happens.
I want a new life. I want to build a new life in positivity and be happy.
Next step is to go to the temple every Sunday if I don’t have any family engagements. I will do anything to help myself. At this point I found that the temple helped me to find my soul again. Yes I have a soul and I want to surround it with positive energy as much as I can.