I love reading about stuff. I love learning about things that I don’t really know. Before I got my diagnosis of BPD with histrionic traits, I was already online and searching about it. When I read the symptoms of BPD, I said to my fiance that thing looks like me. He replied the same. But I am not a Doctor and I can’t make a diagnosis. He replied the samething.
I went in Halifax and I did a 6 weeks treatment. I’ve learned so much that I didn’t want to leave. I wanted more. I was craving for mental health information. Why? Because I wanted to get better. I wanted to know who I am.
When I saw my family Doctor, I asked about my diagnosis. She said Borderline personality disorder with histrionic traits. What a nice cocktail! I also experienced dissociation, derealization and depersonalisation. Another nice cocktail. I have PTSD as well!
After overthinking about the problems, I realized a lot of stuff that happened in my life. My life was making sense now. I finally got some answers to my questions. Why I reacted like that with others. The fear of being abandonned or the fear of being left alone. Impulsive behaviors. Explosive mood swings. I had hard time dealing with people as well. My relationships with others were awful most of the time. Hard time dealing with depression and post partum depression. I also needed to deal with a recent trauma.
I am a survivor, because I wanted to die so bad but I chose to live. I was in pain, my whole body was hurt inside and outside.
The hardest thing that I found was when I told my parents about myself. My dad read on it too and he said wait a minute this is not you. You don’t have to believe everything they said. I said Dad, I am 30 years old and I can believe what I want. I am the only one who knows myself better than anyone. I know it is me, because I experienced it myself.
I am not going to talk about my mom’s reaction. Anyway I felt alone, misunderstood and judged. I was surprised but not surprised at the same time because I was still looking for love and attention from my parents.
Another issue I had was my boundaries. I didn’t have any towards others and myself. When I learned about it, I found out that it is important to have some. I am talking less deeply with my parents so I can feel better. I can anlayse people more and think before I talk.
Because of those risky situation that I wanted, I ended up being raped by someone I knew. I knew how he was and I was still hanging out with him and his girlfriend. I am not blaming myself. Because he is responsible for his actions. The point is that if I would have been diagnosed long time ago. I would have known those skills and I would have chose non toxic friendship.
I am so grateful to have such amazing support. My fiance, his family, my community and my wonderful friends. Thank you for being there for me and understand me as much as you can. I am still recovering from my whole life. I have been through a lot and it will take time to recover. Everyday I make a step forward.