I have a job.

I found a job. I love it so much. I am working at a cranberry and blueberry farm. I get some fresh air and it is good for my mental health. I am doing some easy work as pruning, weeding and planting so far. It is enjoyable. I had the opportunity to met some people around the globe as Ukrainian and Mexican. They are lovely people to work with. 

I remembered how nice it is to have soft conversation. I mean talking about easy stuff. Music, hobbies, books and what it is going out in the other side of the map. 

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Counseling for the sexual assault

I finally found a good psychologist. He is going to help me to deal with the sexual assault that happened a year ago. I didn’t move on. I thought I did but no. My man called the Military assistance program and a week later I had an appointment booked. How amazing is that? I am so happy now. I am more than ready to work on myself to be able to share a stable life with my family. Because I love them so much and they deserve a healthy mom/spouse. I am grateful to have such good support around me. 

Retrospective and reflection on my life

Last night I was watching tv. A new series that I discovered on Netflix. I am already half way to the end. It is Thirteen Reasons why. It is affecting me a lot recently. Probably because I can relate easy to the girl who killed herself. After being bullied, misunderstood, rejected by others it seems that my past is coming back to hunt me. I am reliving it. I was so sad last night. I was understanding that girl suffering. I realized that I was also there at one point in my life. This series is amazing but I don’t know if I will be able to get through it. It seems so real sometimes. I feel it in my veins. I am a sensitive person and I am affected by those facts. They are on tv in a series but I know that kind of stuff can happen in real life too. It is unfair. 

I was wondering about life. What am I going to found at the end of the day? Is it worth it? I know that I have been through a lot since my young age. But how many more things am I going to be able to handle? Do we have a number? Why life is such like a roller coaster? What is the point of living in such a thing? People will talk about goals. Yeah I understand that. Having life goals is important but why exactly? When I will have accomplished them what am I going to do? Make another list? What for? Those where the questions I was wondering about last night.

I was also talking with my husband how sad I was. It feels like my life is an act. I am acting everyday my happiness.  I don’t even know how it is really feel. I am always not so sure about my emotions. Am I really happy or do I act it? Am I sad or depress? One of the big question that I have is why am I on earth for? Do I have a mission? What is the point of living in ups and downs if I will die one day? Everyone is going to die one day. Why about choosing when and how? Or at least know when it is going to happen so I will have time to do what I would like or not to do. 

Addiction

It was hard to admit that I had an addiction. I was drinking occasionally and smoking weed rarely but still. I started to do it more and more often. Everyday I was having one or two glasses of wine after the kids where in bed to be able to relax. I started to drink more because I didn’t want to take my responsibilities. I was free. I was feeling less hurt. I was happy and I didn’t have to hide myself anymore. The thing is that it was not the real me either. When I was emotionally overhelmed I wanted to drink to cover it up and forget. I didn’t want to deal with that pain. The pain was so big and intense that I was scared and didn’t know how to work it through. It was a mountain as big as the sky. I couldn’t see the end of it. So I was drinking to forget and not think about it. I was not solving the problems. When I was sober, the problems were still there. my pain was still there. So I admitted to myself that I needed help on that. I realized that to be able to deal and work on my emotional pain, I needed to be sober. I needed to be healthy. I quit. I am proud now that I did it. I still have ups and downs. I still have hard time dealing with my pain. But at least I can really see the top of the mountain and I know that one day I will be up there.

Unconditional love

Today, I realized what unconditional love is. I now know that my man has unconditional love towards me. Because he wants the best for me. He wants me to be happy and healthy. Just like with my children, I realized that they need me. They need to know my struggles but they also need to see a strong woman. I am a warrior and a survivor. They need to see that, they will understand so much in life. I will always be there for them. I am working on myself because they deserve a healthy mom. I love them so much and I want to give them the best I can. 

Diagnosed with BPD, my life make sense

I love reading about stuff. I love learning about things that I don’t really know. Before I got my diagnosis of BPD with histrionic traits, I was already online and searching about it. When I read the symptoms of BPD, I said to my fiance that thing looks like me. He replied the same. But I am not a Doctor and I can’t make a diagnosis. He replied the samething.

I went in Halifax and I did a 6 weeks treatment. I’ve learned so much that I didn’t want to leave. I wanted more. I was craving for mental health information. Why? Because I wanted to get better. I wanted to know who I am.

When I saw my family Doctor, I asked about my diagnosis. She said Borderline personality disorder with histrionic traits. What a nice cocktail! I also experienced dissociation, derealization and depersonalisation. Another nice cocktail. I have PTSD as well!

After overthinking about the problems, I realized a lot of stuff that happened in my life. My life was making sense now. I finally got some answers to my questions. Why I reacted like that with others. The fear of being abandonned or the fear of being left alone. Impulsive behaviors. Explosive mood swings. I had hard time dealing with people as well. My relationships with others were awful most of the time. Hard time dealing with depression and post partum depression. I also needed to deal with a recent trauma. 

I am a survivor, because I wanted to die so bad but I chose to live. I was in pain, my whole body was hurt inside and outside.

The hardest thing that I found was when I told my parents about myself. My dad read on it too and he said wait a minute this is not you. You don’t have to believe everything they said. I said Dad, I am 30 years old and I can believe what I want. I am the only one who knows myself better than anyone. I know it is me, because I experienced it myself.

I am not going to talk about my mom’s reaction. Anyway I felt alone, misunderstood and judged. I was surprised but not surprised at the same time because I was still looking for love and attention from my parents.

Another issue I had was my boundaries. I didn’t have any towards others and myself. When I learned about it, I found out that it is important to have some. I am talking less deeply with my parents so I can feel better. I can anlayse people more and think before I talk. 

Because of those risky situation that I wanted, I ended up being raped by someone I knew. I knew how he was and I was still hanging out with him and his girlfriend. I am not blaming myself. Because he is responsible for his actions. The point is that if I would have been diagnosed long time ago. I would have known those skills and I would have chose non toxic friendship.

I am so grateful to have such amazing support. My fiance, his family, my community and my wonderful friends. Thank you for being there for me and understand me as much as you can. I am still recovering from my whole life. I have been through a lot and it will take time to recover. Everyday I make a step forward.