Why did I spend some time without publishing?

August 27th 2017

It’s been a while since I published. Why? Because I am in recovery.

I am finally taking good care of myself. After the suicide attemp in April 2017, the one I got hospitalized for couple days, because of the damaged I did to myself by taking an overdose of Tylenol. I am lucky that my liver still healthy. The Hospital team saved me. But they didn’t save my soul. The time I took for myself and I needed to do some counceilling about the sexual assault. Even after a year, I was still having those horrible flashbacks. Specially when I was in a crisis due to my mental illness. Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex trauma, what a nice cocktail! 

First of all, I took some time away from home. But when I was away I was still missing home. I was confused. So the best thing to do was to think about it. Analizing my situation and my feelings. What can I do to survive and live a life as normal as possible until I get to the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I realized that I needed to reduce the stressors around me as soon as possible. Those stressors were the ones who put me in crisis most of the time. I did think about it. At this point most of my stressors were my children, their behaviors. After the sexual assault, everything went down. I couldn’t do anything except breathing. I talked with my husband and took a dicision to put the kids at summer camp and the baby full time daycare so I can take care of myself and take care of the house. Because I was not able to do everything at the sametime. 

After my little break away from home, I started counceilling for the sexual assault with a private psychologist. I grew a lot from it. My final appointment is september 6th 2017. I am happy and ready to live with my trauma in a healthy way. I also found something to hold on to. Faith! I was going to the Hindu Temple here and there. Now I know why. I was looking for faith and hope and love and friends and a nice community to share everything with. 

Hinduism is a lot about meditation. Medidation is good for my health and to find a way to my own spirituality. The moment I put a foot in that temple, my anxiety was gone, why? Because it is a safe place to be for me. I am going there twice a month now. I can managed my anxiety better that way. So I am more stable mentally. 

I also had a few appointments with my psychiatrist. Now I have my own, finally! We finally found the right doses for my medications. I can feel it and my family too. I am stable mentally and emotionally. I am still careful though. We never know when the next storm will come.

I want to live a happy life and be able to manage myself better than what I am doing now. This is why I can’t wait to start the DBT in October 2017. But I also have amazing friends and my family and my beautiful husband who help me every single day by supporting me through my mental illness and my happy moments. I am still struggling with mental health but I can manage it better than a year ago. I am learning how to listen to my feelings and teeling myself that sometimes it’s ok to be sad and it is not the end of the world. I am living the life I want and this is the most beautiful thing in the world.

NAMASTE

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BurningĀ 

A ccouple days ago, I found old suicide letters that I wrote before the suicide attempts. I was feeling anxious about thinking of having them in my bedside drawer. This afternoon, I took them and burnt them in fire pit. I read them then I watched te burn. I was feeling relieved. I was thinking about my family and my friends who are here to support me no matter what and forever. I feel better now. I know that I want to live my life. I want to enjoy every little moments with my family and have as much as possible fun with my friends. I want to be happy. My job help too though. It gives me hope. I am not hopeless anymore I found my way. A good way  to get back on track. I am ready to start the DBT in fall.

Good day & good news

Let’s talk about my day. I had an excellent day and there is why.

  1. I had a coffee and some fresh macaroons from the French bakery with my best friend.
  2. I finally got set up to quit smoking cigarette by using a vapor with my favorite flavor. Pina colada!
  3. I am going to be entering in the pre-training for the DBT intensive therapy in June.  The therapy will start in fall.
  4. I worked on my resume this afternoon with my counselor at the MFRC and I want to work on a farm this summer. Berries and vegetables picking is what I am looking for. I already set up a list with few farms that I will drop my resume at. Wish me luck!
  5. I am at home with my family.

I can finally enjoy some happiness in my living room tonight.

Dreams do come true

Today, one of my dream came true. I was on the phone line with someone I love and I was finally understood. I think I was understood because when I talked to her, she said she understands my decision. Yes she was quite a sad but she wants the best for me and if it means to put bigger boundaries between her and I; I will no matter what. This was a good conversation that I had with this person. I don’t remember last time I had a good one. Because normally my anxiety rise up right away after the call. Not today. I felt calm and in control. I was happy. Eveytime I called, eveytime I talked to her I was hoping to be understood and listened. After all those years, I finally was today. I do not know if it will happen again. But at least I got what I wanted the most. For once in my 30 years of life. So dreams do come true!

Going out

Yesterday I went out to a party on the base. I was disigned driver. I love when I know that I am aking a difference in people life’s. My anxiety was rinsing up because I was thinking about a friend who is also struggling with mental health. I was able to think about her but let her disturb my mind too much. I like her and I don’t want to close this friendship.

I was having fun, playing games and eating pizza. All my friends were there, my husband and his siblings too. It was a great night. It helped me to stop thinking about destruction and negativity. I was in a positive mood and I wanted to keep it like that.

I also catched up with a friend who was talking about Reiki. I think I will try that. It might be very helpful with my anxiety and redistributing the energy in the right place in my body. That friend is following my blog and she wanted to help. She gave me such good compliments about it. I was happy. One of the first time in my life I was feeling worth it. I was experiencing pride and happiness.  The real one not the one I used to live with behind the mask. It felt amazing and I want to thank her for what she did for me last night. It means a lot. 

I also thought about boundaries to protect my mental health. I talked with another friend today and she helped me realized that I was right about helping others but with limits. I am still working on myself and I am on a good path for now. I want to keep it like that. I deserve it and I need it.

Addiction

It was hard to admit that I had an addiction. I was drinking occasionally and smoking weed rarely but still. I started to do it more and more often. Everyday I was having one or two glasses of wine after the kids where in bed to be able to relax. I started to drink more because I didn’t want to take my responsibilities. I was free. I was feeling less hurt. I was happy and I didn’t have to hide myself anymore. The thing is that it was not the real me either. When I was emotionally overhelmed I wanted to drink to cover it up and forget. I didn’t want to deal with that pain. The pain was so big and intense that I was scared and didn’t know how to work it through. It was a mountain as big as the sky. I couldn’t see the end of it. So I was drinking to forget and not think about it. I was not solving the problems. When I was sober, the problems were still there. my pain was still there. So I admitted to myself that I needed help on that. I realized that to be able to deal and work on my emotional pain, I needed to be sober. I needed to be healthy. I quit. I am proud now that I did it. I still have ups and downs. I still have hard time dealing with my pain. But at least I can really see the top of the mountain and I know that one day I will be up there.

Unconditional love

Today, I realized what unconditional love is. I now know that my man has unconditional love towards me. Because he wants the best for me. He wants me to be happy and healthy. Just like with my children, I realized that they need me. They need to know my struggles but they also need to see a strong woman. I am a warrior and a survivor. They need to see that, they will understand so much in life. I will always be there for them. I am working on myself because they deserve a healthy mom. I love them so much and I want to give them the best I can.