I finally found a good psychologist. He is going to help me to deal with the sexual assault that happened a year ago. I didn’t move on. I thought I did but no. My man called the Military assistance program and a week later I had an appointment booked. How amazing is that? I am so happy now. I am more than ready to work on myself to be able to share a stable life with my family. Because I love them so much and they deserve a healthy mom/spouse. I am grateful to have such good support around me.
There I am, alive. I am on recovery mentally and physically from another suicide attempt that happened on Easter Monday.
I was feeling so down and low and I had so much difficulties dealing with my mental health that I wanted to leave my life again. The only exit that I found was to die. I am struggling too much and it’s now harder and harder to handle. A little negative things, a tiny argue and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still afraid of my demons and my darkness. I hope one day I will be able to fight them. I guess I will make it happens when I get in the DBT program.
They keep sending me home. Most of my stressors are at home. No wonder why I wanted to quit my life if I stay home. I can’t concentrate on myself if it is too busy around me. Specially if I am mentally down. I talked with my man and I am spending couple days in in the city until I get to see my psychiatrist on friday. I hope she can help me figure out something that I can hang on to until I start the DBT.
For now I am relaxing and taking care of myself. Yesterday I went to the Hindu temple. I found hope and faith. I couldn’t believe it that I still want to live after all those struggles. I was able to let go some of my negative energy through the music. The power of that amazing energy found my soul and helped me believe that I just have to work a bit harder and I can make it happens.
I want a new life. I want to build a new life in positivity and be happy.
Next step is to go to the temple every Sunday if I don’t have any family engagements. I will do anything to help myself. At this point I found that the temple helped me to find my soul again. Yes I have a soul and I want to surround it with positive energy as much as I can.
Today, one of my dream came true. I was on the phone line with someone I love and I was finally understood. I think I was understood because when I talked to her, she said she understands my decision. Yes she was quite a sad but she wants the best for me and if it means to put bigger boundaries between her and I; I will no matter what. This was a good conversation that I had with this person. I don’t remember last time I had a good one. Because normally my anxiety rise up right away after the call. Not today. I felt calm and in control. I was happy. Eveytime I called, eveytime I talked to her I was hoping to be understood and listened. After all those years, I finally was today. I do not know if it will happen again. But at least I got what I wanted the most. For once in my 30 years of life. So dreams do come true!
Today is a good day for me. I dropped my youngest child at the daycare and went to the gym, I also visit a friend and I am going to see my social worker. I will be back home this afternoon with my youngest child.
Last weekend I found motivation and I did some cleaning in the house. I felt good after all. I also felt amazing after the gym this am. I am happy and I am ready to have a good week. I didn’t scratch or cut during the weekend. I am proud of that. I am smiling again. I don’t want to think about how long I will stay like that. One day at a time, I will enjoy every little moment. Leaving in the present this is what I have to do now until I join the therapy (DBT).
It was hard to admit that I had an addiction. I was drinking occasionally and smoking weed rarely but still. I started to do it more and more often. Everyday I was having one or two glasses of wine after the kids where in bed to be able to relax. I started to drink more because I didn’t want to take my responsibilities. I was free. I was feeling less hurt. I was happy and I didn’t have to hide myself anymore. The thing is that it was not the real me either. When I was emotionally overhelmed I wanted to drink to cover it up and forget. I didn’t want to deal with that pain. The pain was so big and intense that I was scared and didn’t know how to work it through. It was a mountain as big as the sky. I couldn’t see the end of it. So I was drinking to forget and not think about it. I was not solving the problems. When I was sober, the problems were still there. my pain was still there. So I admitted to myself that I needed help on that. I realized that to be able to deal and work on my emotional pain, I needed to be sober. I needed to be healthy. I quit. I am proud now that I did it. I still have ups and downs. I still have hard time dealing with my pain. But at least I can really see the top of the mountain and I know that one day I will be up there.
Today, I realized what unconditional love is. I now know that my man has unconditional love towards me. Because he wants the best for me. He wants me to be happy and healthy. Just like with my children, I realized that they need me. They need to know my struggles but they also need to see a strong woman. I am a warrior and a survivor. They need to see that, they will understand so much in life. I will always be there for them. I am working on myself because they deserve a healthy mom. I love them so much and I want to give them the best I can.
I feel empty but good. I feel that my negative energy is gone. I am empty of negative thoughts. I am happy and calm. I am zen and relaxed. I talked to a few friends. It was nice. They really care about me and I appreciate it. I have met with some great people at the psychiatry short stay unit in Kentville. Every single person helped me in their own way. I was also able to stabilize my mood, so I can think straight and make up a good safety plan. I worked really hard. I am on my way home and ready to face the world again.
I am scared of my darkness. The worst place I don’t want to be is in my head on the dark side. My negatives and suicidal toughts are destructives. Sometimes they are the strongest.
I will eventually get into a therapy to help me cope with my destructives behaviors and my unstable mood swings. I am looking forward to it. I will also need another therapy to treat the complex trauma due to the sexual assault and my past history by being emotionally abused.
A lot of work ahead, but I am more confident and I have such great support around me. I will face it.
Today, I spent the day in Halifax. I went to the Hindu temple for the puja and cleared my negative energy. I also wanted to say goodbye to my grand father. He past away last week and I didn’t go to the funeral in Quebec. First, I don’t like churches that much and second, my professional support is in Nova Scotia. Surrounded by sadness and negative energy, no thank you. I prefer to live my loss the way I want. I prefer to go to the place I like and get some positive energy through the temple. I had an amazing day. I can now grieve in positivity and happiness. Thank you to the Indian Community for being so supportive and friendly with everyone. I always feel like I am at home over there.
Last summer, when I was working on myself and trying to put the pieces of the puzzle in place in my mind; I discovered the Hindu temple. I started reading about Hinduism. Wow, it was incredible. I was finally finding hope and faith in something.