Why did I spend some time without publishing?

August 27th 2017

It’s been a while since I published. Why? Because I am in recovery.

I am finally taking good care of myself. After the suicide attemp in April 2017, the one I got hospitalized for couple days, because of the damaged I did to myself by taking an overdose of Tylenol. I am lucky that my liver still healthy. The Hospital team saved me. But they didn’t save my soul. The time I took for myself and I needed to do some counceilling about the sexual assault. Even after a year, I was still having those horrible flashbacks. Specially when I was in a crisis due to my mental illness. Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex trauma, what a nice cocktail! 

First of all, I took some time away from home. But when I was away I was still missing home. I was confused. So the best thing to do was to think about it. Analizing my situation and my feelings. What can I do to survive and live a life as normal as possible until I get to the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I realized that I needed to reduce the stressors around me as soon as possible. Those stressors were the ones who put me in crisis most of the time. I did think about it. At this point most of my stressors were my children, their behaviors. After the sexual assault, everything went down. I couldn’t do anything except breathing. I talked with my husband and took a dicision to put the kids at summer camp and the baby full time daycare so I can take care of myself and take care of the house. Because I was not able to do everything at the sametime. 

After my little break away from home, I started counceilling for the sexual assault with a private psychologist. I grew a lot from it. My final appointment is september 6th 2017. I am happy and ready to live with my trauma in a healthy way. I also found something to hold on to. Faith! I was going to the Hindu Temple here and there. Now I know why. I was looking for faith and hope and love and friends and a nice community to share everything with. 

Hinduism is a lot about meditation. Medidation is good for my health and to find a way to my own spirituality. The moment I put a foot in that temple, my anxiety was gone, why? Because it is a safe place to be for me. I am going there twice a month now. I can managed my anxiety better that way. So I am more stable mentally. 

I also had a few appointments with my psychiatrist. Now I have my own, finally! We finally found the right doses for my medications. I can feel it and my family too. I am stable mentally and emotionally. I am still careful though. We never know when the next storm will come.

I want to live a happy life and be able to manage myself better than what I am doing now. This is why I can’t wait to start the DBT in October 2017. But I also have amazing friends and my family and my beautiful husband who help me every single day by supporting me through my mental illness and my happy moments. I am still struggling with mental health but I can manage it better than a year ago. I am learning how to listen to my feelings and teeling myself that sometimes it’s ok to be sad and it is not the end of the world. I am living the life I want and this is the most beautiful thing in the world.

NAMASTE

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Counseling for the sexual assault

I finally found a good psychologist. He is going to help me to deal with the sexual assault that happened a year ago. I didn’t move on. I thought I did but no. My man called the Military assistance program and a week later I had an appointment booked. How amazing is that? I am so happy now. I am more than ready to work on myself to be able to share a stable life with my family. Because I love them so much and they deserve a healthy mom/spouse. I am grateful to have such good support around me. 

Recovery from another suicide attempt

There I am, alive. I am on recovery mentally and physically from another suicide attempt that happened on Easter Monday.  

I was feeling so down and low and I had so much difficulties dealing with my mental health that I wanted to leave my life again. The only exit that I found was to die. I am struggling too much and it’s now harder and harder to handle. A little negative things, a tiny argue and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still afraid of my demons and my darkness. I hope one day I will be able to fight them. I guess I will make it happens when I get in the DBT program. 

They keep sending me home. Most of my stressors are at home. No wonder why I wanted to quit my life if I stay home. I can’t concentrate on myself if it is too busy around me. Specially if I am mentally down. I talked with my man and I am spending couple days in in the city until I get to see my psychiatrist on friday. I hope she can help me figure out something that I can hang on to until I start the DBT. 

For now I am relaxing and taking care of myself. Yesterday I went to the Hindu temple. I found hope and faith. I couldn’t believe it that I still want to live after all those struggles. I was able to let go some of my negative energy through the music. The power of that amazing energy found my soul and helped me believe that I just have to work a bit harder and I can make it happens.

I want a new life. I want to build a new life in positivity and be happy.

Next step is to go to the temple every Sunday if I don’t have any family engagements. I will do anything to help myself. At this point I found that the temple helped me to find my soul again. Yes I have a soul and I want to surround it with positive energy as much as I can.

Dreams do come true

Today, one of my dream came true. I was on the phone line with someone I love and I was finally understood. I think I was understood because when I talked to her, she said she understands my decision. Yes she was quite a sad but she wants the best for me and if it means to put bigger boundaries between her and I; I will no matter what. This was a good conversation that I had with this person. I don’t remember last time I had a good one. Because normally my anxiety rise up right away after the call. Not today. I felt calm and in control. I was happy. Eveytime I called, eveytime I talked to her I was hoping to be understood and listened. After all those years, I finally was today. I do not know if it will happen again. But at least I got what I wanted the most. For once in my 30 years of life. So dreams do come true!

Today is a good day

Today is a good day for me. I dropped my youngest child at the daycare and went to the gym, I also visit a friend and I am going to see my social worker. I will be back home this afternoon with my youngest child. 

Last weekend I found motivation and I did some cleaning in the house.  I felt good after all. I also felt amazing after the gym this am. I am happy and I am ready to have a good week. I didn’t scratch or cut during the weekend. I am proud of that. I am smiling again. I don’t want to think about how long I will stay like that. One day at a time, I will enjoy every little moment. Leaving in the present this is what I have to do now until I join the therapy (DBT). 

Addiction

It was hard to admit that I had an addiction. I was drinking occasionally and smoking weed rarely but still. I started to do it more and more often. Everyday I was having one or two glasses of wine after the kids where in bed to be able to relax. I started to drink more because I didn’t want to take my responsibilities. I was free. I was feeling less hurt. I was happy and I didn’t have to hide myself anymore. The thing is that it was not the real me either. When I was emotionally overhelmed I wanted to drink to cover it up and forget. I didn’t want to deal with that pain. The pain was so big and intense that I was scared and didn’t know how to work it through. It was a mountain as big as the sky. I couldn’t see the end of it. So I was drinking to forget and not think about it. I was not solving the problems. When I was sober, the problems were still there. my pain was still there. So I admitted to myself that I needed help on that. I realized that to be able to deal and work on my emotional pain, I needed to be sober. I needed to be healthy. I quit. I am proud now that I did it. I still have ups and downs. I still have hard time dealing with my pain. But at least I can really see the top of the mountain and I know that one day I will be up there.

Unconditional love

Today, I realized what unconditional love is. I now know that my man has unconditional love towards me. Because he wants the best for me. He wants me to be happy and healthy. Just like with my children, I realized that they need me. They need to know my struggles but they also need to see a strong woman. I am a warrior and a survivor. They need to see that, they will understand so much in life. I will always be there for them. I am working on myself because they deserve a healthy mom. I love them so much and I want to give them the best I can.