Happy. Happy. Happy.

Today was a good day for me. I went to see my best friend this morning we talked and enjoyed a nice coffee. 

I went to my hockey practice. I scored a goal and my muscles are tensed. I had a nap when I came back home and I felt so much better. Anxiety was almost gone. I was relaxed and happy.

I also confirmed my seat for September 2018 at Nova Scotia Community College. I am going back to school. I think I will be a great fit by taking Social Services program. I really want to help others. I want to feel accomplished at the end of the day.

I mean professionally. Because I feel accomplished at home when I look at my family.

Today was a good day and I am happy.

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I might be wrong about my last post

Finally, I might be wrong about my last post. The one I was talking about people will never changed. 

Late this afternoon, I got a call from my mom. She had a big new for me. I was not expecting that one.

She took the decision to quit drinking. She wants to change. I was in total shock. I was so happy. I hope she will do it. I believe in her because she is my mother. The only one I have. I’ve been waiting for this big step ffor so long.

She realized that she has a problem and she wants to fix it. I am proud of her. She made my day.

I hope that I am wrong about people will never changed. I think now that if you want something and you put the effort in you will make it happen.

Some people will never changed.

Two weeks ago, I sent a letter to my mom. I explained my emotions to her. Everything was about how I felt when I was young. I wrote her a part of my story including the impact she had on me as a mother who was not emotionally there for me. I waited a long time before writing her letter. I choose my moment. I was calm. 

Last week, she received it and she read it. Chaos! She was defenitly not happy. She asked me how I was emotionally when I wrote it. I said that I was perfectly calm. She told me that it will not stay like that and she has to clarify some stuff about it. She was on her defensive. We organized a phone call meeting because she didn’t want to write back to me.

On the phone, I was at my friend’s place in case it was too hard for me to handle. Specially with my BPD. I was ready though and I also used a filter between her and I. I knew that it will be bad.

She did what she always does. Projection! She returned everything against me to make ME feel bad and make her feel good. I knew it. Waste of time. She will never changed! I can only just live with it.

I am proud of myself. I stayed calm. I used my boundaries. I used my “I” statement. I stood up in front of her. I am an adult and I have the right to talk about how I feel! I have the right to stand up high and be proud of the person I have become. I am coming from a long way of difficulties and I realized that I wanted to changed for the best. So I am working hard on myself to make it happen. 

Why did I spend some time without publishing?

August 27th 2017

It’s been a while since I published. Why? Because I am in recovery.

I am finally taking good care of myself. After the suicide attemp in April 2017, the one I got hospitalized for couple days, because of the damaged I did to myself by taking an overdose of Tylenol. I am lucky that my liver still healthy. The Hospital team saved me. But they didn’t save my soul. The time I took for myself and I needed to do some counceilling about the sexual assault. Even after a year, I was still having those horrible flashbacks. Specially when I was in a crisis due to my mental illness. Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex trauma, what a nice cocktail! 

First of all, I took some time away from home. But when I was away I was still missing home. I was confused. So the best thing to do was to think about it. Analizing my situation and my feelings. What can I do to survive and live a life as normal as possible until I get to the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I realized that I needed to reduce the stressors around me as soon as possible. Those stressors were the ones who put me in crisis most of the time. I did think about it. At this point most of my stressors were my children, their behaviors. After the sexual assault, everything went down. I couldn’t do anything except breathing. I talked with my husband and took a dicision to put the kids at summer camp and the baby full time daycare so I can take care of myself and take care of the house. Because I was not able to do everything at the sametime. 

After my little break away from home, I started counceilling for the sexual assault with a private psychologist. I grew a lot from it. My final appointment is september 6th 2017. I am happy and ready to live with my trauma in a healthy way. I also found something to hold on to. Faith! I was going to the Hindu Temple here and there. Now I know why. I was looking for faith and hope and love and friends and a nice community to share everything with. 

Hinduism is a lot about meditation. Medidation is good for my health and to find a way to my own spirituality. The moment I put a foot in that temple, my anxiety was gone, why? Because it is a safe place to be for me. I am going there twice a month now. I can managed my anxiety better that way. So I am more stable mentally. 

I also had a few appointments with my psychiatrist. Now I have my own, finally! We finally found the right doses for my medications. I can feel it and my family too. I am stable mentally and emotionally. I am still careful though. We never know when the next storm will come.

I want to live a happy life and be able to manage myself better than what I am doing now. This is why I can’t wait to start the DBT in October 2017. But I also have amazing friends and my family and my beautiful husband who help me every single day by supporting me through my mental illness and my happy moments. I am still struggling with mental health but I can manage it better than a year ago. I am learning how to listen to my feelings and teeling myself that sometimes it’s ok to be sad and it is not the end of the world. I am living the life I want and this is the most beautiful thing in the world.

NAMASTE

What am I suppose to do?

I am away from home. Taking a break from the stressors that I have at home, but I am missing home. I am missing my babies and my husband. I am doing good and getting some strength to be able to continue and fight my darkness and my demons. I want to live but when I am at home I don’t feel like that at all. When I am away I don’t feel down but I do miss my family.  I am so confused and I don’t really know what to do or what to think. 

Just thinking about life in the valley, chores at home and taking care of the kids and my anxiety is rising up. What am I suppose to do? I wish that my psychiatrist will understand me and help me to see clear about all that stuff. 

I want to go back to work and gain money to help my family but I don’t want to work at a place that I don’t like. I don’t want a student job. I want a career and for that I have to go back to school. But I need money. How am I suppose to handle all that? 

At least I didn’t go back in Quebec. I know that place is not good for me right now. But I was so depressed and sad that I needed my man to realize it. I was not able to think or see that was not good for my mental health. I am an adult and it feels like I am still a child who needs their parents to live. How is that possible? 

What am I suppose to do?