Why did I spend some time without publishing?

August 27th 2017

It’s been a while since I published. Why? Because I am in recovery.

I am finally taking good care of myself. After the suicide attemp in April 2017, the one I got hospitalized for couple days, because of the damaged I did to myself by taking an overdose of Tylenol. I am lucky that my liver still healthy. The Hospital team saved me. But they didn’t save my soul. The time I took for myself and I needed to do some counceilling about the sexual assault. Even after a year, I was still having those horrible flashbacks. Specially when I was in a crisis due to my mental illness. Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex trauma, what a nice cocktail! 

First of all, I took some time away from home. But when I was away I was still missing home. I was confused. So the best thing to do was to think about it. Analizing my situation and my feelings. What can I do to survive and live a life as normal as possible until I get to the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I realized that I needed to reduce the stressors around me as soon as possible. Those stressors were the ones who put me in crisis most of the time. I did think about it. At this point most of my stressors were my children, their behaviors. After the sexual assault, everything went down. I couldn’t do anything except breathing. I talked with my husband and took a dicision to put the kids at summer camp and the baby full time daycare so I can take care of myself and take care of the house. Because I was not able to do everything at the sametime. 

After my little break away from home, I started counceilling for the sexual assault with a private psychologist. I grew a lot from it. My final appointment is september 6th 2017. I am happy and ready to live with my trauma in a healthy way. I also found something to hold on to. Faith! I was going to the Hindu Temple here and there. Now I know why. I was looking for faith and hope and love and friends and a nice community to share everything with. 

Hinduism is a lot about meditation. Medidation is good for my health and to find a way to my own spirituality. The moment I put a foot in that temple, my anxiety was gone, why? Because it is a safe place to be for me. I am going there twice a month now. I can managed my anxiety better that way. So I am more stable mentally. 

I also had a few appointments with my psychiatrist. Now I have my own, finally! We finally found the right doses for my medications. I can feel it and my family too. I am stable mentally and emotionally. I am still careful though. We never know when the next storm will come.

I want to live a happy life and be able to manage myself better than what I am doing now. This is why I can’t wait to start the DBT in October 2017. But I also have amazing friends and my family and my beautiful husband who help me every single day by supporting me through my mental illness and my happy moments. I am still struggling with mental health but I can manage it better than a year ago. I am learning how to listen to my feelings and teeling myself that sometimes it’s ok to be sad and it is not the end of the world. I am living the life I want and this is the most beautiful thing in the world.

NAMASTE

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What am I suppose to do?

I am away from home. Taking a break from the stressors that I have at home, but I am missing home. I am missing my babies and my husband. I am doing good and getting some strength to be able to continue and fight my darkness and my demons. I want to live but when I am at home I don’t feel like that at all. When I am away I don’t feel down but I do miss my family.  I am so confused and I don’t really know what to do or what to think. 

Just thinking about life in the valley, chores at home and taking care of the kids and my anxiety is rising up. What am I suppose to do? I wish that my psychiatrist will understand me and help me to see clear about all that stuff. 

I want to go back to work and gain money to help my family but I don’t want to work at a place that I don’t like. I don’t want a student job. I want a career and for that I have to go back to school. But I need money. How am I suppose to handle all that? 

At least I didn’t go back in Quebec. I know that place is not good for me right now. But I was so depressed and sad that I needed my man to realize it. I was not able to think or see that was not good for my mental health. I am an adult and it feels like I am still a child who needs their parents to live. How is that possible? 

What am I suppose to do?

Easter weekend

Monday easter, I am at my in-laws relaxing and and thinking about the nice weekend I had. 

Good friday was good because we went to the zoo in Aylesford Nova Scotia and we got our family pass. The zoo is another place that I love. Walking around watching the animals. I feel great and I love showing my kids the beauty of he nature.

Saturday was pretty quiet but we had a great time. We were late for an easter egg hunt but we were back home with mashmallows. The kids had a blast. I went to my friend’s house and enjoyed a tea. It was nice to see her and talk with her.

Easter Sunday, a beautiful morning with my little amazing family. Kids found some eggs and we had a good breakfast. My daughter ended up finding my pills and ate a couples but we went to the hospital and found out that she didn’t eat the worse one and she spit a couple too. I guess it was a warning for our fail to get more secure and safe. I was in shocked and I blamed myself about it. I didn’t cut or scrached. I amoke a cigarette instead and I did some breathing exercice. It’s an accident and it happens. We also had a great family dinner. I love family dinner.
Monday easter, today I am relaxing and thinking about the next week. I want to have a nice week. I am going to have a good week. 

My man, my fiancé, my children’s father 


I am reflecting on the support I have in my life. The best man I couldn’t find is the one who I am sharing my life with. We worked through a lot of difficulties in our relationship and we are still together and in love. Our love is stronger than ever. He has been by my side since the beginning of our relationship. He helped me since the day we’ve met. I will always be there to love you my love. You are the man of my life and we are meant to be together. You are the perfect dad that our children can have. Our family is getting stronger every single day. I will always be grateful for that. You are the one who understands me the most. You know me better than anyone. I will always love you.