A ccouple days ago, I found old suicide letters that I wrote before the suicide attempts. I was feeling anxious about thinking of having them in my bedside drawer. This afternoon, I took them and burnt them in fire pit. I read them then I watched te burn. I was feeling relieved. I was thinking about my family and my friends who are here to support me no matter what and forever. I feel better now. I know that I want to live my life. I want to enjoy every little moments with my family and have as much as possible fun with my friends. I want to be happy. My job help too though. It gives me hope. I am not hopeless anymore I found my way. A good way to get back on track. I am ready to start the DBT in fall.
I am sharing my hapiness with you today. I am accepted and confirmed on the DBT program starting in the end of August and beginning of September. I am so happy. I was looking forward to it. I guess hard work paid off. I stayed strong as long as I could. I am proud of myself. I am also still enjoying my job. I am feeling so much better and I want to keep it like that.
This picture quote is about self-harm. I like it because it is is true and I will remember it when I feel that I want to hurt myself.
I am not alone in this life. I have to remember it!
So true. Sometimes I to far away in my mind. I have to remember to think about this one.
Dreams are important. They are our anchors. It keeps us alive!
Let’s talk about my day. I had an excellent day and there is why.
- I had a coffee and some fresh macaroons from the French bakery with my best friend.
- I finally got set up to quit smoking cigarette by using a vapor with my favorite flavor. Pina colada!
- I am going to be entering in the pre-training for the DBT intensive therapy in June. The therapy will start in fall.
- I worked on my resume this afternoon with my counselor at the MFRC and I want to work on a farm this summer. Berries and vegetables picking is what I am looking for. I already set up a list with few farms that I will drop my resume at. Wish me luck!
- I am at home with my family.
I can finally enjoy some happiness in my living room tonight.
I am away from home. Taking a break from the stressors that I have at home, but I am missing home. I am missing my babies and my husband. I am doing good and getting some strength to be able to continue and fight my darkness and my demons. I want to live but when I am at home I don’t feel like that at all. When I am away I don’t feel down but I do miss my family. I am so confused and I don’t really know what to do or what to think.
Just thinking about life in the valley, chores at home and taking care of the kids and my anxiety is rising up. What am I suppose to do? I wish that my psychiatrist will understand me and help me to see clear about all that stuff.
I want to go back to work and gain money to help my family but I don’t want to work at a place that I don’t like. I don’t want a student job. I want a career and for that I have to go back to school. But I need money. How am I suppose to handle all that?
At least I didn’t go back in Quebec. I know that place is not good for me right now. But I was so depressed and sad that I needed my man to realize it. I was not able to think or see that was not good for my mental health. I am an adult and it feels like I am still a child who needs their parents to live. How is that possible?
What am I suppose to do?
There is one of the best tv show I had never watch on Netflix. I also had a hard hardtime finishing watching it. A lot of triggers from my past of bullying, the rape and my suicide attempts. I have learned from it though and I hope this can spread awareness around the globe. I am sure that can help people.
Sometimes I do feel like shit. I feel so guilty about pretty much everything I say or everything I do. I always think that I am wrong. I always think that I am not worth it. I do not control those negative emotions. I hate it. I hate it to death. I feel guilty about being too muh in my mind and thinking about lots of stuff. I can’t get that out of my mind.
My past, my history of emotional abuse this is how the psychologist called it. Emotional abuse. He is quite a right though. I realized it too and I have always been manipulated by the wrong person. I hate myself because I let it happened.
I still think and let my mind be disturbing by those thoughts from the sexual assault. I hate myself for thinking about it. He still has power on me that way and I hate it. I want that to end. I want to be able to just enjoy the present and I can’t because of my negative thoughts. My mind is always working and processing and never stops. I would like to be able to have at least one day without thinking about past. I would like to be able to focus on the future and the present without having those disturbing thoughts. I would love to be as normal as possible. I can’t. I just can’t.
Because of all that I do feel like shit. I feel so guilty. It’s getting even harder to handle it. My emotions are taking all the place in my mind and I can’t label them properly because of my mental illness. I know it’s because of borderline personality disorder. I know that I shouldn’t be like this but I can’t control it. I am in a game of push and pull with my own self.
Oldest kids at school and youngest at daycare, I am in Port George Nova Scotia reading a book. One of my favorite place in the world. This place is one of my quiet and safe place that I enjoy to be. A book in the hand, enjoying this beautiful view keeping my anxiety and stress level low. I am happy today taking care of myself. I am having a break from home before the Easter weekend. I love reading by the shore. That makes me feel good. I can think straight and processing my recovery. I am on a good path. My mind is full of beautiful memories.