Today is my last day in the city. I had time to reflect on myself and I went to a good conclusion.
I really want to be home but I have to do less if I want to survive at home. Oldest kids a school and the youngest at daycare I will have time and less stress to work at home on the chores that I have.
I will keep the youngest one at the daycare full time next week and I will go down to 4 times a week. I will have time to take care of my own self.
I am thinking to get a job on the side to be able to gain a little bit of money because the childcare is very expensive. We can afford it for now but won’t be able to afford it forever. We are having financial issues but I have to take care of myself too. I will work hard and make it works. I am confident.
I am seeing a friend after lunch today. I also have a hair appointment for a trim and I am going to my man’s aunt for supper tonight. I will have a good day.
Tomorrow, I am going back home. I will stop at another friend’s house on my way and I will go see my best friend in the valley in the afternoon for another coffee then I have an appreciation dinner at the Annapolis mess in Greenwood. The Greenwood Family Resource Center is providing an appreciation dinner for those who volunteered at the GMFRC in 2016. I had an amazing time volunteered for them. It was therapeutic. Thank you so much for making me feels good about the work I did. It means a lot to me.
I am away from home. Taking a break from the stressors that I have at home, but I am missing home. I am missing my babies and my husband. I am doing good and getting some strength to be able to continue and fight my darkness and my demons. I want to live but when I am at home I don’t feel like that at all. When I am away I don’t feel down but I do miss my family. I am so confused and I don’t really know what to do or what to think.
Just thinking about life in the valley, chores at home and taking care of the kids and my anxiety is rising up. What am I suppose to do? I wish that my psychiatrist will understand me and help me to see clear about all that stuff.
I want to go back to work and gain money to help my family but I don’t want to work at a place that I don’t like. I don’t want a student job. I want a career and for that I have to go back to school. But I need money. How am I suppose to handle all that?
At least I didn’t go back in Quebec. I know that place is not good for me right now. But I was so depressed and sad that I needed my man to realize it. I was not able to think or see that was not good for my mental health. I am an adult and it feels like I am still a child who needs their parents to live. How is that possible?
What am I suppose to do?
There I am, alive. I am on recovery mentally and physically from another suicide attempt that happened on Easter Monday.
I was feeling so down and low and I had so much difficulties dealing with my mental health that I wanted to leave my life again. The only exit that I found was to die. I am struggling too much and it’s now harder and harder to handle. A little negative things, a tiny argue and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still afraid of my demons and my darkness. I hope one day I will be able to fight them. I guess I will make it happens when I get in the DBT program.
They keep sending me home. Most of my stressors are at home. No wonder why I wanted to quit my life if I stay home. I can’t concentrate on myself if it is too busy around me. Specially if I am mentally down. I talked with my man and I am spending couple days in in the city until I get to see my psychiatrist on friday. I hope she can help me figure out something that I can hang on to until I start the DBT.
For now I am relaxing and taking care of myself. Yesterday I went to the Hindu temple. I found hope and faith. I couldn’t believe it that I still want to live after all those struggles. I was able to let go some of my negative energy through the music. The power of that amazing energy found my soul and helped me believe that I just have to work a bit harder and I can make it happens.
I want a new life. I want to build a new life in positivity and be happy.
Next step is to go to the temple every Sunday if I don’t have any family engagements. I will do anything to help myself. At this point I found that the temple helped me to find my soul again. Yes I have a soul and I want to surround it with positive energy as much as I can.
Monday easter, I am at my in-laws relaxing and and thinking about the nice weekend I had.
Good friday was good because we went to the zoo in Aylesford Nova Scotia and we got our family pass. The zoo is another place that I love. Walking around watching the animals. I feel great and I love showing my kids the beauty of he nature.
Saturday was pretty quiet but we had a great time. We were late for an easter egg hunt but we were back home with mashmallows. The kids had a blast. I went to my friend’s house and enjoyed a tea. It was nice to see her and talk with her.
Easter Sunday, a beautiful morning with my little amazing family. Kids found some eggs and we had a good breakfast. My daughter ended up finding my pills and ate a couples but we went to the hospital and found out that she didn’t eat the worse one and she spit a couple too. I guess it was a warning for our fail to get more secure and safe. I was in shocked and I blamed myself about it. I didn’t cut or scrached. I amoke a cigarette instead and I did some breathing exercice. It’s an accident and it happens. We also had a great family dinner. I love family dinner.
Monday easter, today I am relaxing and thinking about the next week. I want to have a nice week. I am going to have a good week.
There is one of the best tv show I had never watch on Netflix. I also had a hard hardtime finishing watching it. A lot of triggers from my past of bullying, the rape and my suicide attempts. I have learned from it though and I hope this can spread awareness around the globe. I am sure that can help people.