After my appointment yesterday with a psychologist, I realized that I have been self-harming before the sexual assault as well. I tought it was just recent, but it was not. I am having flashback from my past. My childhood when I was pulling my hair intentionnaly and when my mom found out all the hair in the tent-trailer, she brought me to the doctor and I had a cream. I never said anything. I never said that I actually did it on purpose. I started to drink and smoke pot very young as well. I was damaging myself because I wanted that pain, that emotional pain to go away. How many times that I hit my head on purpose on my bedroom walls. How many times that I bite my nails until I bleed. When I attempt suicide the first time, I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted my pain to go away. Now today I have become further. I love tattoos, I love the vibration and the burning in my body when I got one. I enjoyed that pain, the physical pain because during that time I don’t live with the emotional pain. It hurts so bad inside. Sometimes I wonder if someone will understand my feelings or even me. I feel misunderstood all the time and I am so stupid because I can’t explain exactly how I feel. I should be able too but I can’t. When I talk or think about myself or my past I want to cut. When my anxiety is to high I want to hurt myself. I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t like what I see and what I feel about what I am doing. I am surrounded by hate, shame and guilt towards myself. It is always me. It is always my fault.
Yesterday, I had my choice appointment with a psychologist. I finally got a referral to join the DBT program. I might have to do more test. Psychology or personality test, we do not know yet. It was a meeting overwhelming in emotions. I do not like to talk about my past. I do no like to talk about myself. I feel ashamed and guilty and I hate it. I do not like what I see about myself. I am not proud of who I became. I do not see a good person. I see a weak, manipulated and naive person who is also broken. I do not know if I will find the peace in my inner self. I do not know if I will be able to do the program. After all the stuff that I’ve been through, I do not know if I have the strength to continue my life. My past and myself are most of my triggers. I didn’t realize it on the moment, but after talking with my social worker later during the day I saw it. I get overwhelm very easy after talking about myself and my past and specially the sexual assault. It hurts so bad inside. The pain is intense. I finally ended up scratching my arms last night. When I took the decision to walk over to my in law’s house, I was wishing so bad for a car to hit me on the side of the road. I was shaking and crying so loud that I called my friend and asked her to come and pick me up before I do something I can regret. She came, we talked and I went to her place. It helped me, I also smoke a cigarette. I haven’t smoke for 7 years, but the tension and my anxiety were so high that I wanted to hurt myself so bad. Instead I had a cigarette, it helped to reduce the amount of anxiety inside my body. But I do not want to start smoking again. What should I do then? I am lost and I need some new coping skills. I have a meeting planned on Monday to see my social worker. I hope that she can help me. I will have to meet with her until I get in the therapy. I am happy because I can’t stay alone without support. I am scared of myself and my emotions. I wish that one day I will be able to live a normal life. I really want it. Until then, I need support around me and help to be able to survive without damaging myself.
Last night I was reflecting on my childhood and when I was a teenager and also when I was a young adult and I realized how vulnerable I was. The only thing I was looking for is love. I just wanted to be loved. How many times that I asked a boy to be my boyfriend. How many times that I asked someone to be my best friend. When someone was looking at me in any ways I enjoyed it. I was happy. I ended up in unhealthy relationships because of my vulnerability. How many times that I changed my circle of friends because they were not good for me. But when I realized it, it was too late and the damaged was already done. I destroyed my life. My inner me. I damaged my self-esteem. I was so vulnerable that I got manipulated and I ended up being rape by someone I knew. When we were hanging out he was always kind to me. I loved it. He was manipulating me and I didn’t see it.
It took a long time before I found the man of my life. But the damage was already done by then. Now my man has to live with a person like me with a mental illness. It is very sad. I wish that I can erase everything and be someone else since the beginning so I can have and normal life and be healthy. But I can’t. I only can learn how to live with it in the best way that I can.
I am 30 years old and when I think about my life, what I’ve been through, it seems unreal. I have been struggling with a lot of difficulties and I always fought for myself. Even when I was in my darkness mind, when I wanted to end my life I didn’t give up. I am still alive and I am a survivor. I am also a strong woman who wants to fight against BPD. I don’t want my mental illness to take possession of my inner self. I want to learn how to do that. I want to have better coping skills. I am begging professional services to help me out. I know Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the worst mental illness and some psychiatrists do not want to deal with BPD. I understand why because it is insane and so confusing. But I am different, everyone is different and I really want to get better. I want to change my behaviors and I want to be able to control my emotions as much as I can. After what I’ve been through since my childhood, I deserve treatment.
It was hard to admit that I had an addiction. I was drinking occasionally and smoking weed rarely but still. I started to do it more and more often. Everyday I was having one or two glasses of wine after the kids where in bed to be able to relax. I started to drink more because I didn’t want to take my responsibilities. I was free. I was feeling less hurt. I was happy and I didn’t have to hide myself anymore. The thing is that it was not the real me either. When I was emotionally overhelmed I wanted to drink to cover it up and forget. I didn’t want to deal with that pain. The pain was so big and intense that I was scared and didn’t know how to work it through. It was a mountain as big as the sky. I couldn’t see the end of it. So I was drinking to forget and not think about it. I was not solving the problems. When I was sober, the problems were still there. my pain was still there. So I admitted to myself that I needed help on that. I realized that to be able to deal and work on my emotional pain, I needed to be sober. I needed to be healthy. I quit. I am proud now that I did it. I still have ups and downs. I still have hard time dealing with my pain. But at least I can really see the top of the mountain and I know that one day I will be up there.
I don’t think there is any weakness about asking for help when you are emotionaly drowned. It takes a lot of courage to be able to admit that you need help. I know that it is difficult and I felt ashamed of what I did when I tried to hurt myself. But the second time when I went back to the hospital and told them that I need help, they actually helped me. I found some strength inside of me and went there. I showed them that I am sick and I am ashamed of what I did but now I want some help to work on stuff. I want my life back again. It was a sign of weakness when I took those pills but I can’t blame myself for what I did because I was in a low mood. Borderline was taking all the place. I couldn’t think straight. After being hospitalized, I was able to reflect on my life and what I wanted to do with it. I chose to fight. I am a warrior and I am going to fight this battle. I don’t want to be surrounded by my mental illness anymore. I want to learn how to live and cope with it instead.
Today, I realized what unconditional love is. I now know that my man has unconditional love towards me. Because he wants the best for me. He wants me to be happy and healthy. Just like with my children, I realized that they need me. They need to know my struggles but they also need to see a strong woman. I am a warrior and a survivor. They need to see that, they will understand so much in life. I will always be there for them. I am working on myself because they deserve a healthy mom. I love them so much and I want to give them the best I can.