Sober

I’ve been sober for 7 months. Since I quit alcohol and drugs, my life changed. I am more aware of what is going on. I can also think straight. I have memories from my past coming back but I am mentally stable now to deal with it. I am stronger than ever. I am proud of myself. I am proud of the hard work that I did. It is also easier to take better decisions for myself and my family. I will support everyone who has been struggling with an addiction. I’ve been there and when I had a chance to get support, I took it. I am speaking out loud right now and I am telling you that you are NOT alone.

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Who is the loser?

One night, when I was partying with some old toxic friends, including my abuser…

A month before the sexual assault, we were playing a game of Jenga. We were drinking and I felt very competitive and wanted to beat this guy. I was feeling empowered by the alcohol. This guy, my abuser, said “I never lose”. Those words still resonate in my head. Specially when I think about the night when he had control over me. Also, during the beginning of the court process, those words were still haunting me. I was letting tose words disturbing my inner self. Then I realized that he was still having control over me. I didn’t not want that. He does not deserves a place in my mind. I felt so angry and I wanted that to stop. I know I am good at turning negative event into positivity to get as much power as I want. I spoke out loud “I always win”. This is so much more powerful than “I never lose”. Those words gave me strength. I am more than determined to speak out loud and share my emotions and my hard work. I am a strong woman and I always win. Since that terrible event, I gained support from my family, my friends and my community. I also gained healthy friendships, self-esteem and self-compassion. So, who is the loser? Oh, wait..who is the winner? ME! 

Victims need to be understood and supported. I am not weak, I don’t hide my feelings anymore or what happened to me. I am a survivor, a warrior and a stronger person. I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of every single thing that I do. Be proud of yourself. Compliment yourself as much as you need. Always think that you can because you are a winner!

Temple

Today, I spent the day in Halifax. I went to the Hindu temple for the puja and cleared my negative energy. I also wanted to say goodbye to my grand father. He past away last week and I didn’t go to the funeral in Quebec. First, I don’t like churches that much and second, my professional support is in Nova Scotia. Surrounded by sadness and negative energy, no thank you. I prefer to live my loss the way I want. I prefer to go to the place I like and get some positive energy through the temple. I had an amazing day. I can now grieve in positivity and happiness. Thank you to the Indian Community for being so supportive and friendly with everyone. I always feel like I am at home over there.

Last summer, when I was working on myself and trying to put the pieces of the puzzle in place in my mind; I discovered the Hindu temple. I started reading about Hinduism.  Wow, it was incredible. I was finally finding hope and faith in something. 

Diagnosed with BPD, my life make sense

I love reading about stuff. I love learning about things that I don’t really know. Before I got my diagnosis of BPD with histrionic traits, I was already online and searching about it. When I read the symptoms of BPD, I said to my fiance that thing looks like me. He replied the same. But I am not a Doctor and I can’t make a diagnosis. He replied the samething.

I went in Halifax and I did a 6 weeks treatment. I’ve learned so much that I didn’t want to leave. I wanted more. I was craving for mental health information. Why? Because I wanted to get better. I wanted to know who I am.

When I saw my family Doctor, I asked about my diagnosis. She said Borderline personality disorder with histrionic traits. What a nice cocktail! I also experienced dissociation, derealization and depersonalisation. Another nice cocktail. I have PTSD as well!

After overthinking about the problems, I realized a lot of stuff that happened in my life. My life was making sense now. I finally got some answers to my questions. Why I reacted like that with others. The fear of being abandonned or the fear of being left alone. Impulsive behaviors. Explosive mood swings. I had hard time dealing with people as well. My relationships with others were awful most of the time. Hard time dealing with depression and post partum depression. I also needed to deal with a recent trauma. 

I am a survivor, because I wanted to die so bad but I chose to live. I was in pain, my whole body was hurt inside and outside.

The hardest thing that I found was when I told my parents about myself. My dad read on it too and he said wait a minute this is not you. You don’t have to believe everything they said. I said Dad, I am 30 years old and I can believe what I want. I am the only one who knows myself better than anyone. I know it is me, because I experienced it myself.

I am not going to talk about my mom’s reaction. Anyway I felt alone, misunderstood and judged. I was surprised but not surprised at the same time because I was still looking for love and attention from my parents.

Another issue I had was my boundaries. I didn’t have any towards others and myself. When I learned about it, I found out that it is important to have some. I am talking less deeply with my parents so I can feel better. I can anlayse people more and think before I talk. 

Because of those risky situation that I wanted, I ended up being raped by someone I knew. I knew how he was and I was still hanging out with him and his girlfriend. I am not blaming myself. Because he is responsible for his actions. The point is that if I would have been diagnosed long time ago. I would have known those skills and I would have chose non toxic friendship.

I am so grateful to have such amazing support. My fiance, his family, my community and my wonderful friends. Thank you for being there for me and understand me as much as you can. I am still recovering from my whole life. I have been through a lot and it will take time to recover. Everyday I make a step forward.

Disappointed 

I called my dad today. I was so happy to tell him how my blog is doing and all the work I do. I wanted him to say that he is proud of me. Instead he told me to stay careful of the visitors, they might be dangerous or maybe they want to track a vulnerable person. I felt disappointed. He doesn’t know. I asked him if he actually read what I published. He said no. I didn’t read it all but it looks ok. 

I know and I understand that he lost his dad last week. My grand – father past away and my dad assisteded to his death. 

The point is that I am allowed to express MY feelings no matter what. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care or understand what people are feeling. I still have empathy.

When I was in Bagotville


When I was in Bagotville, Quebec, I was involved in a fatal car crash. I was driving behind my friend and a snowmobile coming from the right didn’t stop and hit the car.

I saw the lights shining in the field, coming so close to me. I saw a big light just like an explosion. It happened very fast. It took time for me to realized what just happened. I was hearing to the guys in my own car yelling at me to stop the car. 

I stopped the car. By the time I was realizing what was going on, the people who were in the car with me were already in the middle of the road giving CPR to the man on the street. I called 911 and asked for medical assistance. My friend’s car was in the ditch the other side of the road and one of them was inconsious. I was freaking out. I was on my way down the street to go see the man, to see if he was fine and the only thing that I was able to see is that lake of blood behind and around him. His helmet was gone. He was dead. I was in shocked. It was the first time I was involved in a car accident but also the first time I was seeing a lot amount of blood and a dead body. Physically I was fine but not mentally. The ambulance brought my friend to the hospital (my man today). He woke up 6 hours later. My friend in the other vehicle had neck pain but consious and she knows what was going on. 

Anyone asked me how I was. I saw a horrible and traumatic event and I was in shocked. No one asked, probably because I was not injured physically and I was in the car behind.

I had nightmares for at least 2 weeks. Re-living that accident and seeing the blood on the street. I was having anxiety while driving at night time. I was uncomfortable while driving by the place where the accident happened. I bottled my emotions and moved on.

The point is, it doesn’t matter if you are victims or witnesses, we should have access to the same kind of medical assitance specially in mental health when a traumatic event happens.

My girlfirend’s abuser

You were my friend, I trusted you and your boyfriend and he hurt me. After the horrible night, the night of darkness at the house of rape, I went to the hospital. In shocked, I pressed charges against your boyfriend. He hurt me. I was right to do that. 

I was thinking about you. How is she? How is she managing with her boyfriend who sexually assaulted another girl? I asked for a meeting, you and me and we talked about that night. I know you were in shocked too but did you think about me? No, because you said that I ruined your and your boyfriend’s life and because of that he will lose his job. Are you kidding me? Really? What about me? Do you really think that I will spend some energy to try to ruin someone’s life, when I have a house, a man and 3 children? I have more things to do, believe me.

 I will always remember what you said before you left angry at me. I hope the truth get told. I am agree. The only thing is you don’t see it. One day, you will open your eyes and find out that your boyfriend is toxic.