Today is my last day in the city. I had time to reflect on myself and I went to a good conclusion.
I really want to be home but I have to do less if I want to survive at home. Oldest kids a school and the youngest at daycare I will have time and less stress to work at home on the chores that I have.
I will keep the youngest one at the daycare full time next week and I will go down to 4 times a week. I will have time to take care of my own self.
I am thinking to get a job on the side to be able to gain a little bit of money because the childcare is very expensive. We can afford it for now but won’t be able to afford it forever. We are having financial issues but I have to take care of myself too. I will work hard and make it works. I am confident.
I am seeing a friend after lunch today. I also have a hair appointment for a trim and I am going to my man’s aunt for supper tonight. I will have a good day.
Tomorrow, I am going back home. I will stop at another friend’s house on my way and I will go see my best friend in the valley in the afternoon for another coffee then I have an appreciation dinner at the Annapolis mess in Greenwood. The Greenwood Family Resource Center is providing an appreciation dinner for those who volunteered at the GMFRC in 2016. I had an amazing time volunteered for them. It was therapeutic. Thank you so much for making me feels good about the work I did. It means a lot to me.
I am away from home. Taking a break from the stressors that I have at home, but I am missing home. I am missing my babies and my husband. I am doing good and getting some strength to be able to continue and fight my darkness and my demons. I want to live but when I am at home I don’t feel like that at all. When I am away I don’t feel down but I do miss my family. I am so confused and I don’t really know what to do or what to think.
Just thinking about life in the valley, chores at home and taking care of the kids and my anxiety is rising up. What am I suppose to do? I wish that my psychiatrist will understand me and help me to see clear about all that stuff.
I want to go back to work and gain money to help my family but I don’t want to work at a place that I don’t like. I don’t want a student job. I want a career and for that I have to go back to school. But I need money. How am I suppose to handle all that?
At least I didn’t go back in Quebec. I know that place is not good for me right now. But I was so depressed and sad that I needed my man to realize it. I was not able to think or see that was not good for my mental health. I am an adult and it feels like I am still a child who needs their parents to live. How is that possible?
What am I suppose to do?
There I am, alive. I am on recovery mentally and physically from another suicide attempt that happened on Easter Monday.
I was feeling so down and low and I had so much difficulties dealing with my mental health that I wanted to leave my life again. The only exit that I found was to die. I am struggling too much and it’s now harder and harder to handle. A little negative things, a tiny argue and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still afraid of my demons and my darkness. I hope one day I will be able to fight them. I guess I will make it happens when I get in the DBT program.
They keep sending me home. Most of my stressors are at home. No wonder why I wanted to quit my life if I stay home. I can’t concentrate on myself if it is too busy around me. Specially if I am mentally down. I talked with my man and I am spending couple days in in the city until I get to see my psychiatrist on friday. I hope she can help me figure out something that I can hang on to until I start the DBT.
For now I am relaxing and taking care of myself. Yesterday I went to the Hindu temple. I found hope and faith. I couldn’t believe it that I still want to live after all those struggles. I was able to let go some of my negative energy through the music. The power of that amazing energy found my soul and helped me believe that I just have to work a bit harder and I can make it happens.
I want a new life. I want to build a new life in positivity and be happy.
Next step is to go to the temple every Sunday if I don’t have any family engagements. I will do anything to help myself. At this point I found that the temple helped me to find my soul again. Yes I have a soul and I want to surround it with positive energy as much as I can.
Monday easter, I am at my in-laws relaxing and and thinking about the nice weekend I had.
Good friday was good because we went to the zoo in Aylesford Nova Scotia and we got our family pass. The zoo is another place that I love. Walking around watching the animals. I feel great and I love showing my kids the beauty of he nature.
Saturday was pretty quiet but we had a great time. We were late for an easter egg hunt but we were back home with mashmallows. The kids had a blast. I went to my friend’s house and enjoyed a tea. It was nice to see her and talk with her.
Easter Sunday, a beautiful morning with my little amazing family. Kids found some eggs and we had a good breakfast. My daughter ended up finding my pills and ate a couples but we went to the hospital and found out that she didn’t eat the worse one and she spit a couple too. I guess it was a warning for our fail to get more secure and safe. I was in shocked and I blamed myself about it. I didn’t cut or scrached. I amoke a cigarette instead and I did some breathing exercice. It’s an accident and it happens. We also had a great family dinner. I love family dinner.
Monday easter, today I am relaxing and thinking about the next week. I want to have a nice week. I am going to have a good week.
Sometimes I do feel like shit. I feel so guilty about pretty much everything I say or everything I do. I always think that I am wrong. I always think that I am not worth it. I do not control those negative emotions. I hate it. I hate it to death. I feel guilty about being too muh in my mind and thinking about lots of stuff. I can’t get that out of my mind.
My past, my history of emotional abuse this is how the psychologist called it. Emotional abuse. He is quite a right though. I realized it too and I have always been manipulated by the wrong person. I hate myself because I let it happened.
I still think and let my mind be disturbing by those thoughts from the sexual assault. I hate myself for thinking about it. He still has power on me that way and I hate it. I want that to end. I want to be able to just enjoy the present and I can’t because of my negative thoughts. My mind is always working and processing and never stops. I would like to be able to have at least one day without thinking about past. I would like to be able to focus on the future and the present without having those disturbing thoughts. I would love to be as normal as possible. I can’t. I just can’t.
Because of all that I do feel like shit. I feel so guilty. It’s getting even harder to handle it. My emotions are taking all the place in my mind and I can’t label them properly because of my mental illness. I know it’s because of borderline personality disorder. I know that I shouldn’t be like this but I can’t control it. I am in a game of push and pull with my own self.
Oldest kids at school and youngest at daycare, I am in Port George Nova Scotia reading a book. One of my favorite place in the world. This place is one of my quiet and safe place that I enjoy to be. A book in the hand, enjoying this beautiful view keeping my anxiety and stress level low. I am happy today taking care of myself. I am having a break from home before the Easter weekend. I love reading by the shore. That makes me feel good. I can think straight and processing my recovery. I am on a good path. My mind is full of beautiful memories.
Today, one of my dream came true. I was on the phone line with someone I love and I was finally understood. I think I was understood because when I talked to her, she said she understands my decision. Yes she was quite a sad but she wants the best for me and if it means to put bigger boundaries between her and I; I will no matter what. This was a good conversation that I had with this person. I don’t remember last time I had a good one. Because normally my anxiety rise up right away after the call. Not today. I felt calm and in control. I was happy. Eveytime I called, eveytime I talked to her I was hoping to be understood and listened. After all those years, I finally was today. I do not know if it will happen again. But at least I got what I wanted the most. For once in my 30 years of life. So dreams do come true!