Hockey check!

September 2nd 2017 I started to play hockey. By the way I couldn’t barely skate. I’m new to the sport and I just love it. I also realized one of my dream. Another check to my bucket list. I am so proud of myself. I can skate now even with a stick and a puck. I still improve my skills every week. It’s a good workout, physically and mentally. I feel stronger than ever and it helps a lot with my anxiety. I can say that I am burnt out after a practice. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep and I am exhausted because I worked hard. It is good for me and I enjoyed every moment. I fell a lot but I can also get up by myself on my skate on the ice! I want to push and try every time harder because I know I can do it! 

I also want to say a huge thank you to the woman who give me that opportunity. She is amazing and I am grateful to have met her and have her in my life. 

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Why did I spend some time without publishing?

August 27th 2017

It’s been a while since I published. Why? Because I am in recovery.

I am finally taking good care of myself. After the suicide attemp in April 2017, the one I got hospitalized for couple days, because of the damaged I did to myself by taking an overdose of Tylenol. I am lucky that my liver still healthy. The Hospital team saved me. But they didn’t save my soul. The time I took for myself and I needed to do some counceilling about the sexual assault. Even after a year, I was still having those horrible flashbacks. Specially when I was in a crisis due to my mental illness. Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex trauma, what a nice cocktail! 

First of all, I took some time away from home. But when I was away I was still missing home. I was confused. So the best thing to do was to think about it. Analizing my situation and my feelings. What can I do to survive and live a life as normal as possible until I get to the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I realized that I needed to reduce the stressors around me as soon as possible. Those stressors were the ones who put me in crisis most of the time. I did think about it. At this point most of my stressors were my children, their behaviors. After the sexual assault, everything went down. I couldn’t do anything except breathing. I talked with my husband and took a dicision to put the kids at summer camp and the baby full time daycare so I can take care of myself and take care of the house. Because I was not able to do everything at the sametime. 

After my little break away from home, I started counceilling for the sexual assault with a private psychologist. I grew a lot from it. My final appointment is september 6th 2017. I am happy and ready to live with my trauma in a healthy way. I also found something to hold on to. Faith! I was going to the Hindu Temple here and there. Now I know why. I was looking for faith and hope and love and friends and a nice community to share everything with. 

Hinduism is a lot about meditation. Medidation is good for my health and to find a way to my own spirituality. The moment I put a foot in that temple, my anxiety was gone, why? Because it is a safe place to be for me. I am going there twice a month now. I can managed my anxiety better that way. So I am more stable mentally. 

I also had a few appointments with my psychiatrist. Now I have my own, finally! We finally found the right doses for my medications. I can feel it and my family too. I am stable mentally and emotionally. I am still careful though. We never know when the next storm will come.

I want to live a happy life and be able to manage myself better than what I am doing now. This is why I can’t wait to start the DBT in October 2017. But I also have amazing friends and my family and my beautiful husband who help me every single day by supporting me through my mental illness and my happy moments. I am still struggling with mental health but I can manage it better than a year ago. I am learning how to listen to my feelings and teeling myself that sometimes it’s ok to be sad and it is not the end of the world. I am living the life I want and this is the most beautiful thing in the world.

NAMASTE

Today, I got my blessings

July 23rd, 2017

Today was a big day for me. I’ve been visiting the Hindu temple in halifax for a year. The temple is a safe place to be for me. After my last suicide attempt in April, I was down, depression and hopeless. I started to go more often. Twice month since then, I am in the city at the Hindu temple. I found hope and faith and the envy of living again. Life is so important. I found my hope through spirituality. Hinduism helped me a lot this past year. It still helps me going through difficulties that I’ve been experiencing so far. 

Today, I wanted to be blessed for the first time. It gave me strength to be able to continue to live the life I want. I am happy and my soul is now healthy. I didn’t know why I was going there at the first place. But now, I know. I am happy and I have hope. I am blessed to live a happy life. 

I also met a new friend. Her name is Shivana. She is going to keep me updated about meditation session or music event in the the city that I might be interested in. Meditation is very good for me and i enjoy it. 

Thank you to the Indian Community who welcomed me interest their family. I am glad and blessed to have you in my heart. I will see you again in a couple of weeks.

Burning 

A ccouple days ago, I found old suicide letters that I wrote before the suicide attempts. I was feeling anxious about thinking of having them in my bedside drawer. This afternoon, I took them and burnt them in fire pit. I read them then I watched te burn. I was feeling relieved. I was thinking about my family and my friends who are here to support me no matter what and forever. I feel better now. I know that I want to live my life. I want to enjoy every little moments with my family and have as much as possible fun with my friends. I want to be happy. My job help too though. It gives me hope. I am not hopeless anymore I found my way. A good way  to get back on track. I am ready to start the DBT in fall.

Accepted and confirmed

I am sharing my hapiness with you today. I am accepted and confirmed on the DBT program starting in the end of August and beginning of September. I am so happy. I was looking forward to it. I guess hard work paid off. I stayed strong as long as I could. I am proud of myself. I am also still enjoying my job. I am feeling so much better and I want to keep it like that.

Hindu temple and a walk on the waterfront

Yesterday I went in the city. It was amazing as always. I went to the Hindu temple to get rid of my negative energy and open some space to get positive energy. It worked well. I also had so much love from the Indian women. They are friendly and I feel happy when I am surrounded by them. They are my family.

After the temple I went to the waterfront for a nice walk. Still clearing my mind. I also stopped at my favorite boutique, The blackmarket. I bought two pairs of earrings and four bracelets for only 9,00$. I am feeling good and ready to start my week.