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Sometimes I do feel like shit. I feel so guilty about pretty much everything I say or everything I do. I always think that I am wrong. I always think that I am not worth it. I do not control those negative emotions. I hate it. I hate it to death. I feel guilty about being too muh in my mind and thinking about lots of stuff. I can’t get that out of my mind. 

My past, my history of emotional abuse this is how the psychologist called it. Emotional abuse. He is quite a right though. I realized it too and I have always been manipulated by the wrong person. I hate myself because I let it happened.

I still think and let my mind be disturbing by those thoughts from the sexual assault. I hate myself for thinking about it. He still has power on me that way and I hate it. I want that to end. I want to be able to just enjoy the present and I can’t because of my negative thoughts. My mind is always working and processing and never stops.  I would like to be able to have at least one day without thinking about past. I would like to be able to focus on the future and the present without having those disturbing thoughts. I would love to be as normal as possible. I can’t. I just can’t. 

Because of all that I do feel like shit. I feel so guilty. It’s getting even harder to handle it. My emotions are taking all the place in my mind and I can’t label them properly because of my mental illness. I know it’s because of borderline personality disorder. I know that I shouldn’t be like this but I can’t control it. I am in a game of push and pull with my own self. 

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