Last night I was watching tv. A new series that I discovered on Netflix. I am already half way to the end. It is Thirteen Reasons why. It is affecting me a lot recently. Probably because I can relate easy to the girl who killed herself. After being bullied, misunderstood, rejected by others it seems that my past is coming back to hunt me. I am reliving it. I was so sad last night. I was understanding that girl suffering. I realized that I was also there at one point in my life. This series is amazing but I don’t know if I will be able to get through it. It seems so real sometimes. I feel it in my veins. I am a sensitive person and I am affected by those facts. They are on tv in a series but I know that kind of stuff can happen in real life too. It is unfair.
I was wondering about life. What am I going to found at the end of the day? Is it worth it? I know that I have been through a lot since my young age. But how many more things am I going to be able to handle? Do we have a number? Why life is such like a roller coaster? What is the point of living in such a thing? People will talk about goals. Yeah I understand that. Having life goals is important but why exactly? When I will have accomplished them what am I going to do? Make another list? What for? Those where the questions I was wondering about last night.
I was also talking with my husband how sad I was. It feels like my life is an act. I am acting everyday my happiness. I don’t even know how it is really feel. I am always not so sure about my emotions. Am I really happy or do I act it? Am I sad or depress? One of the big question that I have is why am I on earth for? Do I have a mission? What is the point of living in ups and downs if I will die one day? Everyone is going to die one day. Why about choosing when and how? Or at least know when it is going to happen so I will have time to do what I would like or not to do.