After my appointment yesterday with a psychologist, I realized that I have been self-harming before the sexual assault as well. I tought it was just recent, but it was not. I am having flashback from my past. My childhood when I was pulling my hair intentionnaly and when my mom found out all the hair in the tent-trailer, she brought me to the doctor and I had a cream. I never said anything. I never said that I actually did it on purpose. I started to drink and smoke pot very young as well. I was damaging myself because I wanted that pain, that emotional pain to go away. How many times that I hit my head on purpose on my bedroom walls. How many times that I bite my nails until I bleed. When I attempt suicide the first time, I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted my pain to go away. Now today I have become further. I love tattoos, I love the vibration and the burning in my body when I got one. I enjoyed that pain, the physical pain because during that time I don’t live with the emotional pain. It hurts so bad inside. Sometimes I wonder if someone will understand my feelings or even me. I feel misunderstood all the time and I am so stupid because I can’t explain exactly how I feel. I should be able too but I can’t. When I talk or think about myself or my past I want to cut. When my anxiety is to high I want to hurt myself. I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t like what I see and what I feel about what I am doing. I am surrounded by hate, shame and guilt towards myself. It is always me. It is always my fault.  


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