Emotions

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Yesterday, I had my choice appointment with a psychologist. I finally got a referral to join the DBT program. I might have to do more test. Psychology or personality test, we do not know yet. It was a meeting overwhelming in emotions. I do not like to talk about my past. I do no like to talk about myself. I feel ashamed and guilty and I hate it. I do not like what I see about myself. I am not proud of who I became. I do not see a good person. I see a weak, manipulated and naive person who is also broken. I do not know if I will find the peace in my inner self. I do not know if I will be able to do the program. After all the stuff that I’ve been through, I do not know if I have the strength to continue my life. My past and myself are most of my triggers. I didn’t realize it on the moment, but after talking with my social worker later during the day I saw it. I get overwhelm very easy after talking about myself and my past and specially the sexual assault. It hurts so bad inside. The pain is intense. I finally ended up scratching my arms last night. When I took the decision to walk over to my in law’s house, I was wishing so bad for a car to hit me on the side of the road. I was shaking and crying so loud that I called my friend and asked her to come and pick me up before I do something I can regret. She came, we talked and I went to her place. It helped me, I also smoke a cigarette. I haven’t smoke for 7 years, but the tension and my anxiety were so high that I wanted to hurt myself so bad. Instead I had a cigarette, it helped to reduce the amount of anxiety inside my body. But I do not want to start smoking again. What should I do then? I am lost and I need some new coping skills. I have a meeting planned on Monday to see my social worker. I hope that she can help me. I will have to meet with her until I get in the therapy. I am happy because I can’t stay alone without support. I am scared of myself and my emotions. I wish that one day I will be able to live a normal life. I really want it. Until then, I need support around me and help to be able to survive without damaging myself.

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