Last night I was reflecting on my childhood and when I was a teenager and also when I was a young adult and I realized how vulnerable I was. The only thing I was looking for is love. I just wanted to be loved. How many times that I asked a boy to be my boyfriend. How many times that I asked someone to be my best friend. When someone was looking at me in any ways I enjoyed it. I was happy. I ended up in unhealthy relationships because of my vulnerability. How many times that I changed my circle of friends because they were not good for me. But when I realized it, it was too late and the damaged was already done. I destroyed my life. My inner me. I damaged my self-esteem. I was so vulnerable that I got manipulated and I ended up being rape by someone I knew. When we were hanging out he was always kind to me. I loved it. He was manipulating me and I didn’t see it.
It took a long time before I found the man of my life. But the damage was already done by then. Now my man has to live with a person like me with a mental illness. It is very sad. I wish that I can erase everything and be someone else since the beginning so I can have and normal life and be healthy. But I can’t. I only can learn how to live with it in the best way that I can.