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I think i am going to use this blog to express my feelings through the day I spent in hospital for the second time.

When I came in yesterday I was surrounded by negative and suicidal thoughts. I was seeing myself hanging on a rope, I was seeing myself floating in a hot bath wrist slashed and bled out. I was able to see myself pretty much everywhere in a dark place. My own darkness mind was taking the whole place in my head. I wanted that to stop and I didn’t know how. I didn’t know why I was experiencing that either.

I went to the city to get to see a doctor. I was not misdiagnosed. I have borderline personality disorder but on a top of that, I also suffering from a complex trauma and because of my past history of emotional abuse It is worst. Maybe I did moved on from the sexual assault but it still affects my life. I didn’t know that. It affects my life and my emotional moods. I can’t control my behaviors and my mood swings. 

After talking with the doctor and realized that I have a lot of work to do and I will need some time, I was devastated. I am in the hospital right now to make a plan of how I am going to work and makes thing rights again. I woke up this morning with a little bit of hope. They added a new medication. It is a mood regulator. That will help me so I can work in therapy. I also have my choice appointment coming up on thursday march 23rd. I will see what kind of therapy is going to be the best for me. 

I thought I was going to be stuck with those thoughts forever. It was awful. I am making steps forward.

Finally, I want to live.

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