Borderline, Black & White

Why is it always black and white? Sometimes I would love to be as normal as possible and live in a grey zone. When I am mentally stable, when I am not in a crisis, I know what to do. But when it comes to that borderline limit, when I jump right in, I do not know how to survive after all. I am hopeless, defeated, depressed, sad and I don’t deserve a place in this world. When I am on a high and I am happy, in love with everything, full of hope and faith, I am empowered! I can beat myself up and keep going. I would love to have a mix of of both and be able to manage it the best way I could. It is so easy to talk and understand what is going on when I am mentally stable. In a crisis, I am worthless and I can’t think properly. I only see the darkness of my own self. The entire world is black and dark and cold. When I was in a high, couple weeks ago, I started a lot of projects mixed with my family life and after accumulation I started to get tired and tired. I was not seeing what I was doing wrong. I was just seeing the failure. Why am I always seeing the worst? BPD is so hard to deal with. I crashed in a horrible down. I exploded and with an impulse I started to hurt myself. I was not feeling any pain on my body only inside in the dark part of me. That Borderline part was all over me and I wished for death. I tried. I failed. Now that I am on recovery I wish that I will have enough strength to get to my meeting with a new councilor and I hope that I can join the DBT program. I know that I need it. 


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