The mask

If you read my story, you know that I talk about wearing a mask. Today I am going to explain in details what I was referring to. 

First of all, this mask was used to protect myself but I didn’t know. By wearing a mask, I was hiding my real me. I suffered so much in my childhood due to judgement, bullying and intimidation that I didn’t want to show myself. I was wearing a mask of someone else. I tried to fit in. I analyzed people and liked what they like or did what they do. I was acting as a copy cat. I used to do that a lot. A whole part of my childhood. I wanted to have so friends like everyone. I was alone and lost.

In my relationships with boys, I was using the same kind of mask. I didn’t listen to myself and I was doing everything to pleased my boyfriend by the fear of being abandoned. My attachment was huge. I hid my feelings as well behind this mask. If he was doing anything that I like or not I was agree and was not listening to my own self. I was hiding my own self from myself. I lost it. I lost myself. I hid my feelings, my negative feelings behind a mask with a fake smile.

After all I just wanted to escape and feel good. While I was using drugs and alcohol I didn’t need the mask and people loved me. So it became a pattern.

when I was at the house rape, the night of darkness, I missed my mask a lot while I was in contact with my abuser. I wanted to hide myself and I couldn’t. 

When I started the day treatment and I quit alcohol and drugs, I stopped wearing this mask. I showed my real me. I was strong and still. I am proud of the work I did because now I am not using a mask anymore to hide myself or my feelings. I live them all the way.


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