Memories/flashback and emotions

When I close my eyes I always see myself being raped. I feel hurt, sad, scared, afraid, devastated and dirty for myself. I have anger and guilt towards myself. Why didn’t I scream or run away that night? Why did I freeze? Why did I disconnect? I still feel the fear that I had when he asked me to pull up my arms so he can take off my shirt. I was unpowered. He was not listening to me when I said “NO” multiple times. This is not fair. I told him “No” and he continued further. I am not feeling good when I think about it. I feel weak. I was not strong enough. I feel hurt. I am always questionning myself about what I did or didn’t do. What did I do so wrong that he didn’t understand me? I told him that I didn’t want to do it…

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