Love letter to my mom

Mom

I don’t like it when you avoid my feelings. I don’t like it when you are not listening when I talk. I hate it when you drink alcohol all day long. I hate it when you judge me and my parenting. I hate it when you ignored that I needed help. I hate it when I have to wait for you to tell me that you love me. I resent that I have acted like you with my parenting. I am tired of helping you to get some help. I am tired of trying to be a better person to please you. I want you to understand my difficulties that I have been going through recently and in the past.

I feel sad that you will never be proud of me. I feel sad when you reject me. I feel sad when you didn’t encourage me in any way. I feel hurt because you didn’t take care of me emotionally when dad was working. I feel hurt because you left me alone and I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions. I feel hurt when I think you didn’t love or want me. I feel awful that we have never been connected. I feel awful when you said that I was not a good mom and I shoudn’t had kids. I feel disapointed because I have to deal with a lot of pain because of you. I want you to have some compassion for me.

I feel afraid when I think that I might become like you. I am afraid that you won’t take me seriously. I am afraid I might stop seeing you until you get sober. I am afraid that your negative energy will affect my kids. I feel scared because you are mean to me when you are drunk. I feel scared when I have to trust you. I want you to get some help for your addiction.

I’m sorry that I was not a easy child. I am sorry that I needed more love and attention. I am sorry that I’ve hurt your feelings in the past. I am sorry for having difficulties with expressing my emotions. I am sorry for asking you to help me when I needed it. I am sorry for thinking about myself too much. Please forgive me for following my man out of Quebec. Please forgive me for beeing jealous about your connection with my sister. I didn’t mean to ignore you when I asked dad to come over alone. I wish that you will understand my emotions and recognize the hard work I’ve been working on.

I love you because you helped me physically when I needed it. I love you because you cooked for me when I was not able to. I love when you are sober and when we can have good conversations. Thank you for taking care of dad and my sister. I understand that you might need professional help as well. I understand that you will accept help when you will be ready. I forgive you for not taking care of me emotionally when I was young. I want you to accept me, to love me and give me strength to keep moving forward in my life.

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